How Not to Feed Your Children to Wild Dingoes

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Last year, around this time, my family enjoyed a lovely day-trip to Point Reyes. It was a memorable day, which is why I documented it and named the post Ten Steps to Enlightenment.

This weekend, we returned to Point Reyes and the experience left much to be desired. Quite frankly, Caleb was acting premenstrual, bringing kvetching to a whole new level. Mateo and I returned home exhausted, ready to sell our children on the black market. In the spirit of that last trip to Point Reyes; a new top-ten list:

How Not to Feed Your Children to Wild Dingoes

  1. Don’t hop in the car on a gorgeous Saturday morning with promises of a fun road trip to be had. I don’t want to go on adventure. I want to stay home! Why do we always have to go on adventures?
  2. Don’t neglect to feed your children enough food prior to hitting the road. You never let me eat food. Do you want me to starve?
  3. Don’t drive to Point Reyes with promises of delicious cheese to be had at Cowgirl Creamery. I don’t want to eat outside, there are too many bees. What, do you want to get stung to death?
  4. Don’t buy your children gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese. This doesn’t taste like grilled cheese and why does Sadie get all of the macaroni? No fair!
  5. Don’t drive to a beautiful coastal town with hopes of taking a family walk along the cliffs overlooking the sea. I’ve been walking all week. My legs hurt and I don’t want to move any more.
  6. Don’t get caught in a 20 minute traffic jam in the middle of a gorgeous state park surrounded by redwoods. Why can’t I listen to my station? Can you turn the music louder? When are we going?
  7. Don’t suggest a rain-check for something you said “no” to on the drive home. You always give out rain-checks. When are we going to drive to San Francisco and ride around on MUNI like you promised, it’s been two years!
  8. Don’t offer to let your child pick out a movie at the rental store on the way home. I’d rather go into San Francisco and ride around on MUNI.
  9. Don’t offer to buy Gordos burritos for dinner following your road-trip. Why do we always have to eat food from restaurants? Why can’t we cook at home? We never cook real food at home!
  10. Don’t offer to give your child a kiss goodnight while he’s tucking himself under the covers on the top bunk. I don’t want to give you a kiss. You’re taking away from my reading time. Can’t I just read my book in peace?

I’ll take a martini, thank you and a gold medal for braving a full-day trapped in a metal kvetching booth. Momma told me there’d be days like this.

9 thoughts on “How Not to Feed Your Children to Wild Dingoes

  1. OMG! Was this all Caleb’s kvetching? Tell him I will switch places with him. I would love to be your child in your family. I love adventures. My friend and I recently took a short boat ride on the East River to Williamsburg. They have a food fest every Saturday, called Smorgasburg. Lots of different kinds of food vendors. What a spread of soup to nuts! You would have loved it! Anyway, loved reading about your wild adventure.

  2. Ooh so funny and a hilarious post! Sounds like you had a niiice weekend. Won’t work be a breath if fresh air on Monday. Loved this and laughed out loud.

  3. Oh yes- there be days like this! Days you really don’t like your kids- thankfully they are still precious when asleep! Check in after that much deserved martini!

  4. Holy Gordo’s Guacamole, chiquita! I feel for you but at the same time you have to admit that it’s pretty funny that what we as kids
    generally considered to be a drudgerous and possibly hazardous imposition — riding on MUNI — is Caleb’s idea of a good time.
    Perhaps that is a sign of a certain unconventional resilience on his part, or at the very least, an understandably conventional nostalgia
    for novelty. Ah, los niños…

  5. Hi An…I was rolling with laughter after reading this! So true…so true!!! As my mother-in-law once told me “it’s a good thing the kids are so darn cute!”….

  6. Oh, if you do need to find the dingos one day, be sure to check at our house. I really appreciate your humor about these moods. And I wouldn’t be surprised if my kids want to feed ME to the dingos sometimes too!

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